Boss's daughter!
Employee: Sir, you called me?
Boss: Yeah,go to the rest room and masturbate.
Employee, after few minutes: Done sir.
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more.
Employee : Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good, here are my keys, drop my daughter at home.
"Thank you for the glass of milk earlier", I said to the sperm bank employee.
"What glass of milk?", he replied.
Me: The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk.
"Oh my god!"
Me: What?
"That was my glass of milk."
Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
**Best Buy employee:** a cord?
**Me:** no it's a Civic.
Why was the Pepsi employee fired?
He tested positive for coke.
Two guys sit at a bar. One tells the other: I opened a brothel, a blowjob is 25$ and anal is 50$.
The other guy asks: And how much is normal?
The guy replies: I don’t know, I don’t have employees.
An employee gets called into his boss’s office...
Boss: “Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"
Employee: "Thanks, Dad".
Horror at the zoo
A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says
*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*
The man responds, *What happened?*
*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*
The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*
When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.
I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
Boss shows up at a job site
Boss: "Bob where were you I've been looking for you since morning!!!!! It's lunch time already!!!!"
Bob: "Boss, a good employee is hard to find."
A man wants to deposit money at a Swiss bank.
"How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee.
Whispers the man, "Three million."
"You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."
My boss came storming in to the office this morning, yelling that he’ll fire the employee with the worst posture...
I have a hunch it might be me...
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”
Why are there ornamental cannons on the state house lawns?
They are a monument to the state employees. They don't work and are impossible to fire.
A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...
After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.