Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:
" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "
An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:
" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "
Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."
A turkey was about to cross the road...
when a chicken appeared and said "dont do that that, you will never hear the end of it"
What's the difference between a successful bank robber and one who ends up in prison?
One's a pro, and one's a con.
A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.
He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s mind once and for all.
“You see,” she told him, “he was struck by a drunk driver.”
“I wasn’t drunk.” He replied.
What's a word that starts with an N ends in an R, and is something you never want to call a black person?
Neighbour
A Texan got accepted to Harvard
A week before classes started, he decided to tour the campus to see where everything was. After a while he got lost, so he went up to a professor and asked "Do you know where the library's at?"
The professor replies, "Sorry, here at Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions."
After a few seconds of thinking, the Texan asks, "Where's the library at, asshole?"
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
A man was locked out of his apartment
He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock... Because end of the day, communication is key.
My wife and I are a perfect match.
For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...
...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".
A rope walks into a bar...
And orders and drink. The bartender says," We don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes outside, frays his ends, and ties himself into a knot. He comes back in and once again orders a drink. The bartender says,"Aren't you that rope I just turned down?" To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
My flat earther friend decided to prove his theory by walking to the end of the world
In the end, he came around.
If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years
We’re trying a new technique.
We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through
PLEASE WAKE UP
And verily, John said to the Lord, “The world shall end with Trumpets?”
God: No, I meant Trump/Pence.
John: Trumpets, got it.
God: No... ah, forget it.
What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?
Popcorn
A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”
Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”
Waiter : “That’s terrible.”
Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”
When I was young, at bedtimes...
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
44% of Marriages end in divorce.
That means 56% of marriages are fatal. I love statistics.
A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.
They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.
One sign read "The End is Near!"
The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"
He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.
He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.
One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"
What's wet on the inside, hairy on the outside... it starts with C, ends with T, and has a U and N in the middle?
A coconut.