A Texan got accepted to Harvard
A week before classes started, he decided to tour the campus to see where everything was. After a while he got lost, so he went up to a professor and asked "Do you know where the library's at?"
The professor replies, "Sorry, here at Harvard we don't end our sentences with prepositions."
After a few seconds of thinking, the Texan asks, "Where's the library at, asshole?"
A man is walking through the woods...
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
A man was locked out of his apartment
He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock... Because end of the day, communication is key.
My wife and I are a perfect match.
For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement...
...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".
A rope walks into a bar...
And orders and drink. The bartender says," We don't serve ropes here." So the rope goes outside, frays his ends, and ties himself into a knot. He comes back in and once again orders a drink. The bartender says,"Aren't you that rope I just turned down?" To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
My flat earther friend decided to prove his theory by walking to the end of the world
In the end, he came around.
If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years
We’re trying a new technique.
We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through
PLEASE WAKE UP
And verily, John said to the Lord, “The world shall end with Trumpets?”
God: No, I meant Trump/Pence.
John: Trumpets, got it.
God: No... ah, forget it.
What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?
Popcorn
A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”
Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”
Waiter : “That’s terrible.”
Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”
When I was young, at bedtimes...
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
44% of Marriages end in divorce.
That means 56% of marriages are fatal. I love statistics.
A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.
They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.
One sign read "The End is Near!"
The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"
He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.
He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.
One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"
What's wet on the inside, hairy on the outside... it starts with C, ends with T, and has a U and N in the middle?
A coconut.
Today I ended a long term relationship.
I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.
A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis
His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.
"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"
Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...
It will be night time.
A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...
And rubs the poop on his chapped lips
His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”
The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”
My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.