End jokes

Today I ended a long term relationship.

I don't really care though, it wasn't mine.

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis

His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk.

"Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloaded those things!"

Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...

It will be night time.

A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...

And rubs the poop on his chapped lips

His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”

The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”

My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Being a North Korean is tough and all but hey

At the end of the day, I can't complain.

What do you find at the end of a rainbow?

A “W”

( joke from my 8 yo daughter)

Success is like giving birth...

everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.

A prisoner has been digging up a tunnel under his cell for years

One day he while he was digging he saw the light, he reached the end of tunnel and ended up in a kindergarten playground

"I'm free, I'm free!" shouted the escaped prisoner

"so what? I'm four" said one of the toddlers

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.

Trying to get in to smaller pants.

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

Two boys sitting to pee

Two five year old boys are sitting at the potty to pee.

When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.

" What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."

" How old were you when it was cut off?"

" My mom said that I was two days old."

" Did it hurt?"

" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"

Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

Genie: You have two wishes left

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead

Penie: And your final wish?

Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead

Penis:

Ms: Nics

Finally realized why the end of my rifle always tastes so salty

Because whenever I put it in my mouth I’m always crying

I am voting for Donald Trump because he will personally end racism in America...

Racism can't exist if everybody's white.

A man misses the bus...

A man on the way home just misses the bus. He runs after it in the hope to catch it, but ends up running all the way to his home.

There he tells his wife : Honey, I did something great today. I saved 3€ by running after the bus.

She responds: Stupid you. You should have been running after the taxi instead to save even more money.

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

They say you can’t get a decent job without education.

But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!