Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad
When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage.
I do not want unlucky people working in our company
That's weird
A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,
"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
...the first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, "You're all assholes," and pours two beers.
How do you cut the Roman Empire in half?
With a pair of Caesars!
Pigeon Droppings
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yuck!" yells the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for?" replies the man. "He must be half-a-mile away by now."
What do you call a German barber?
Herr Kutz
(This was funnier when I was half asleep this morning)
Washing Machine
Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’.
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.”
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.”
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.”
Husband replies, “Too late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”
A half indian-half Irish man married a half chinese-half Italian woman
After much deliberation,they named their son
Ravi O'Lee
Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?
Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.
I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...
...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.
-1:0 I am winning, - says the man.
Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.
-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.
Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.
-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.
Did you hear about the 120 pound man with the 60 pound testicles?
People say he was half-nuts.
A farmer buys a young cock
As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.
Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"
Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..
The longest minute and a half of your life!
I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”
Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got the right hole”
My dad's a magician
Bob: What does your father do for a living?
Joe: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared
Apparently only DC movies can do that
Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"
I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"
Little Johnny, the magician's son
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the schoolteacher.
"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.
"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher.
"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.
"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."
A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double
The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.
Didja hear the joke about the piece of paper ripped in half?
It's tearable.
What's an Anti-Vaxxer kids favorite game?
Half Life
Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.
Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”
The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.
“Wow!” Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”
“Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago”.
