Heart jokes

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

What do you call a black guy having a heart attack?

An ambulance.

My grandmother used to tell me the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely lady. Terrible surgeon.

If Stephen Hawking has a heart attack, do you take him to Halfords or A&E?

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"

To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

My grandfather died at auschwitz

He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.

Steve Irwin died as he lived.

With animals in his heart.

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach!

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

We use 300 muscle's just to keep our balance when we stand.

The woman has read this entire text.

The man is still looking at his thumb.

An old woman reaches the end of her life..

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

A Man Has a Heart Attack on a Plane...

Stewardess: Is **anybody** here a doctor?!

Man: (Raising Hand) I'm a vegan.

Heart-Attacks are overrated

I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?