Animal

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.

A Girl was towelling her wet pussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until

the pussy cried "Meow" and ran away.

Moral Lessons

1. Be kind to Animals

2. Always keep your thoughts clean...

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog....

It's a Shitzu

What do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

A man is walking through the woods...

when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible... are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"

Whats the stupidest animal in the Jungle?

the Polar Bear

A kindergarten teacher is teaching her class about animals...

She would hold ip a picture of the animal and the class would cry out in unison.

COW!

SHEEP!

When the teacher got to the deer the class was clueless.

"It has horns" She said

But the class was silent

"Sometimes your mom calls your dad this animal"

Little timmy throws his hands up and shouts, "IS IT A HORNY BASTARD?!"

Bob told me he could never kill an animal.

He's more of a people person.

Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals." Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it." Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...

Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:

- I will fall down, you idiot!

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"

"Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

Not quite what she was expecting...

Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died

In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"

I went to a zoo but the only animal it had was one dog

It was a shih tzu

Noah had just landed the ark.

After all the animals had disembarked he went back in to look around and there were two snakes in the corner crying. He said what's going on? I told you to go fourth and multiply. They replied but we're adders!

How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a camel toe, a bunch of hares and a fish no one can find.

Steve Irwin died as he lived.

With animals in his heart.

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him

but this isn't even my final form.

Go to the animal shelter for a dog and you're a Saint.

Go to the women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their mind.

My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.

We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.

What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.