A man comes home from work to find his wife of 30 years standing in front of a mirror naked. He asks, "honey, why are you standing there looking at yourself naked?"
She responds, "I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 35 year old"
Her husband responds, "hmmm...did he say anything about your 60 year old ass?"
She answered, "No actually we didn't talk about you at all"
Wasted
A woman's husband comes home wasted every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub. "It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?" "We might as well," slurs the husband.
"I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."
Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses
He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''
Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
I visited my friend at his new house.
He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
I was so excited about how well my psychiatry appointment went
But when I got home, I couldn’t find any of my roommates to tell them
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.
She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..
They all had golf clubs in theirs.
A joke from Kyiv.
A Russian soldier calls home from Ukraine.
- Did you take Kyiv? - No. - Did you take Harkiv? - No - What did you take then? - A blender, a washing machine and two fur coats
A blonde joke.
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to the family.
My kids liked her, but my wife seemed pretty upset.
A man was delighted when his home was robbed
Every lamp in the house had been stolen.
The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called ‘Sound of Wasps’.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.
England is like a father to me.
Both don't come home.
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after sex?
I'll be home in 20 minutes.
A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk
He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"
Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."
The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from the church.
The little boy responds "No need to fetch him, sex won't help this any."
my friend invited me over for a three-some with him and his wife
After about ten minutes of just going at it I said: okay seriously. When is your wife getting home?
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home, all the signs were there