An Elderly Couple are at home...
An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For God's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!"
I told my kid to not open the door for anyone while I’m not home
Now I’m stuck outside
how do you know asians have broken into your home?
the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway
My grandpa's favorite joke
This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.
At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "
His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."
NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy
In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!
I had a little car accident
On the way home from work, I had a little car accident, I braked hard, but still hit the car in front of me. A cute blond got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"?.
This, your Honour, is where the confusion began.....
The carpenter came home one day...
A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.
In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
He then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next he picked up a hacksaw.
The terrified man, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."
For an old man's 98th birthday,
his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Grampa says "Since I aint had a hard on in 10 yrs, I guess I'll have to settle for the soup"
A man went to confess to the priest
"Father, I've stolen someone's dog. But I don't want it now. Can I give it to you?"
"No, son, I don't want it. You should return the dog to the owner."
"I did. But he said he doesn't want it."
"Well...Then I think you should keep the dog."
That night, the priest went back home and found his precious dog stolen.
(Translated from Chinese)
Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Boyfriend moving in...
Him: Can I set up a cloning machine in the basement?
Me: Sure, make yourself at home.
What do hobbit homes with no entrances need?
More doors.
My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.
We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.
What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.
Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes.
Riceless.
You get what you paid for
So a little girl is walking on the sidewalk, a car stops and a man says "come in the car, I'll give you candy" the girl says " no, I'll walk"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll take you home, I'll give you a whole bag of chocolate" the girl says "no, I'll just walk home"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll give you a bag of toys, iPad and money" and the girld says "NO dad! YOU wanted the damn Dacia, now leave me alone!"