I met this girl the other day and she
took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .
Now it’s at about this time I probably should have left..... ......but you just don’t get an offer like that every day.
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"
A thief broke into my house last night
He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him
A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house
(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)
Yoda:- Jump..
(Man falls to his death)
Yoda:- you must not...
When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.
Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!
Why are orphans bad at poker? They don't know what a full house is.
A police officer spots an elderly woman carrying two large sacks, one leaking $20 bills. He asks her, "Where did you get all that money?" She explains, "There's a golf course behind my house. When golfers pee through a hole in my fence, I threaten to cut it off unless they pay $20."
The cop asks about the other sack. She replies, "Not everyone pays."
A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.
So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"
"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."
"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"
"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."
"That's amazing! May I ask, how old are you?"
"Twenty-five".
I love throwing house warming parties
**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**
The Lego store near my house just reopened after lockdown...
People were lining up for blocks.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need...
Not all this, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.
A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.
The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."
The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."
The mathematician says, "If one more person goes inside, the house will be empty."
Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house.
Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.
I saw a black guy riding a bike near my house yesterday
I thought it was mine. So I checked the garage and it was still chained up, asking for food.
A gay man and his male friend are hanging out at his house...
After a while of playing games, talking, and watching TV, the friend gets hungry. He turns to his gay buddy and asks:
"Hey, I am gonna order some subs, do you want any?"
The gay man replies: "No, sorry, I only do doms."
If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.
Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.
A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"
A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father
The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.
Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"
The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"