House jokes

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Who the fuck does that.

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm

Says, "This is the pig I've been fucking"

His wife says, "That's a duck"

He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you..."

So, this guy comes home to find his house was broken into and someone stole all his lamps.

He was delighted.

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.

For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

I saw two lesbians kissing in the park.

"There's a time and a place for that," I told my wife.

She said, "Yeah..."

I said, "It's 9pm and my house."

When I was a lad, my father told me I should never go to a whore house.

He said that I might see something there that I shouldn't see.

When I turned 18, my curiosity got the better of me, and I went to a whore house. And I did see something I shouldn't see: I saw my dad there.

Why are there ornamental cannons on the state house lawns?

They are a monument to the state employees. They don't work and are impossible to fire.

What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house?

Mortgage Freeman

My wife and I finally finished baby-proofing the house.

Let's see that baby try and get in here now.

A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

Friendship: Men vs. Women

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

A pimp opened a whore house...

But he didn't have any girls so he had to run it by hand.

A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"

On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.

He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers? The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?

Get off me, homes.

In Tribute

Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk

Man: you're on

Boy: how does sandpaper feel?

Dog: Ruff!

Boy: what's on top of a house?

Dog: Roof!

Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?

Dog: Ruth!

Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of here!

* Boy and dog walk away *

Dog to boy: should I have said Hank Aaron?

My wife told me that she would smash my face into the keyboard if I didn't stop being misogynist...

And that's when I let her know that I'm the Man of the House, the King of the Castle, the Lord of the Mancjkkf no jskslskf d j.lo alsjdj djdjslai48 err is shwks9ri3jekdo 3irbdjdibsks.