Thief jokes

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy now.

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

The Honest Thief

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

To the wheelchair-bound thief who took my camouflage jacket: You can hide, but you can't run.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

A thief stole a toilet from the police station.

At this point they have nothing to go on.

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."