Therapist

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Husband: Well to be honest I never even knew that she sold flowers

Me: I’m terrified of the song ‘I Want it That Way’

Therapist: Tell me why?

Me: **screams**

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

I just got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rub people the wrong way

My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.

Couples Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?

Her: It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.

Me: My truck.

A man was trapped under a bench press

A man in the gym was at the bench press when the barbell fell on top of him. Despite them being strong, no one could lift the barbell off of him so the man that was trapped tells someone to call a therapist which they do. When the therapist arrives, he asks the man why he called him and the man says "I need to get something off my chest"

Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

Therapist: Did you know that you have an inability to verbally express your emotions?

Me: Can’t say that I’m surprised.

Therapist: Exactly.

Me: I'm afraid of random letters

Therapist: you are?

Me: "screams"

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: "continues to scream"

My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.

I think she wants to have sex with me.

Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work?

Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one