Kid's know far too much these days...
This morning, while in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "you'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." She replied, "I don't think so, he's doing her up the ass"
A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..
The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy.
Dad: No. Say daddy.
Baby: Mommy.
Dad: Fuck! Say daddy!
Baby: Fuck!
Dad: What did you say?
Baby: Fuck!
Mom: I'm home!
Baby: Fuck!
Mom: What? Where did you hear that?
Baby: Daddy.
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question
"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
Quick question...
How much of this "No More Tears" shampoo do I have to feed this baby to get it to stop crying?
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
I was set up on a blind date the other day by my friend, as I was getting ready he said "heads up, she's expecting a baby"
Now I feel pretty daft sitting in this restaurant wearing a diaper
Baby are you communist?
Because there is an uprising in my lower class
Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...
But that child is going straight to the top...
And slightly to the left...
What do you call an overweight baby?
Heavy infantry
A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby
...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.
There were two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge.
One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on you." And then Fridge says "bllaaarrarararraraaarg".
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside.
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."
A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”
What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?
At some point in it’s life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “the driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
So I heard the royal baby was 8 pounds.
That's awfully cheap for a human baby.
Hey girl, are you a gorilla enclosure?
Because i'd put a baby in you
So two people are about to have sex for the first time
and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"
To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."
After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"
"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."