BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth
After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.
After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.
I don't always tell Dad jokes,
but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment.
I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.
The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.
My grandfather was a baker in the army...
...he went in all buns glazing.
Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.
The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"
That was the punch line.
Bob told me he could never kill an animal.
He's more of a people person.
What do you call fapping to dubstep?
Wubbing one out.
I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament for a while, but it is not easy.
Good players are hard to find.
Drink
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"
How is eating pussy similar to smoking a cigarette?
The flavor changes as you get closer to the butt.
Don't trust atoms, no matter what.
They make up everything.
I’m not a racist. I treat every race equally
Even the bad ones
How can you identify a good farmer?
He's out standing in his field.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
A man dies and goes to Hell.
Satan greets him and says, "Welcome to hell, Dave. First, the Wi-fi password is..."
Dave says, "Wait, you guys have wi-fi?"
Satan replies, "Of course we do."
"That's certainly not bad at all" says Dave.
Satan continues, "So, as I was saying, the wi-fi password is the number pi"
A girl once said about me "He's the one!"
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
I've been reading so much about the bad effects of smoking, drinking and sex that I've finally decided
To give up reading
After my wife died i couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was ,"Bach, Bach, Bach"
"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends,
"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."