The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue."
And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
A man notices his wife's butt is getting big
I bet your butt is as big as my grill."
His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they're about the same size.
That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not tonight," says his wife.
He asks her why not, to which she responds, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weiner?"
A PS4 fan and an Xbox One fan started fighting! Someone call the ambulance!
*Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U*
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."
She was watching our wedding video again.
So I met this really nice girl at the zoo!
She was a keeper.
Friends are like snowflakes...
If you pee on them, they'll dissapear.
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen Tit??
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
She’s a really big help.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...
Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway
I met this girl at a vegan restaurant she said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore
When i was younger i felt like a man trapped inside woman’s body.
Then i was born
Girlfriend said "I think I'm pregnant, I'm two weeks late..
..April fools!"
I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English
My son.
Nope, still useless.
A little 5yo girl goes into a petshop
Hello, I want a little bunny
Worker: Sure, you want that small fluffy white one or the small puffy brown one?
Girl: I dont think my python cares...
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?"
"No thanks I'm Jewish"
"Don't worry it's free"
I won the "most secretive guy in my office" award.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".
Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.
"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.