Lot jokes

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

i have a lot of respect for trans women

that surgery takes balls!

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

A lot of people seem surprised when I tell them I regularly have sex with my boss

One of the many perks of self employment.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Dad: You know, you could do better.

Son: Thanks Dad, that means a lot.

Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.

I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z...

My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!" I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.

Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot?

A cursor!

Movies are too violent

A lot of Critics have been saying that movies now days are way too violent. To test this theory I took a nine year old boy to go see Gladiator, and he cried the whole movie.

Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.

My dad died recently.

He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type.

I’ll never forget his inspirational last words,

“Be positive”.

A guy finally gets up the courage to go see a doctor about his four testicles.

Doctor says, "You have a lot of balls coming in here"

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "great, now that we fixed your nose it's time to tackle that farting thing".

What does a prostitute and a bungee jump have in common?

They both cost a lot, last 5 seconds, and if the rubber splits you're fucked.

People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction

But it's not exactly hard, is it?

Christmas these days is a lot like having sex, the build up is great but when it finally comes, I always regret spending all that money.