Lot jokes

STDs are a lot like Pokemon...

It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Steve: I want to be rich. Genie: Wish granted. What is your second wish? Rich: I want a lot of money.

I've been dropping a lot of things lately...

It's really getting out of hand

A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room

He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling

Dad: Son what happened?

Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs

Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt

Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

I asked a Buddhist what was the easiest way to get a lot of good karma.

He told me all it takes is a piece of cake.

What's the difference between a circus and a strip club?

A circus has a lot of cunning stunts

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why the hell do you want to live to be 100 years old?

Dark humor is a lot like food. Not everyone gets it.

If you were food, what would you be?

Friend 1: Pizza because I’m so cheesy. Friend 2: Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends. Me: Donut because I’m so empty inside.

Communism was bound to fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days.

He says life could be a lot worse, that I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

Subway is a lot like prostitution.

You're paying someone else to do your wife's job.

My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients

I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.

Thank you to my first grade teacher for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

I always say muchos to spanish people

It means a lot to them

Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision

It was a rip off

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices....

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden...

Him: Damn, girl, are you a math textbook? Her: No, why?

Him: 'Cause you have a lot of fuckin' problems.