Lot jokes

I have a lot of anti-vax jokes

In my family

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."

GF: See you later, love you xxx

**Me:** love you too

**GF:** Babe, it would mean a lot to me if you'd put some X's at the end of your reply xxx

**Me:** ok, love you too Donna, Yolanda, Sharon, Vicky

My first time having sex was a lot like my first high-school football game.

I was bruised and bloody in the end but at least my dad came.

I need to Re-Home a small Dog.

It's a very small Terrier that tends to bark a lot. If you are interested.

Let me know and I will jump over my neighbors garden fence and get the fucker for you...........

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.

She’s been raising a lot of red flags.

Elevators are a lot like urinals

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

I used to think my girlfriend referred to me as a camel because I drank a lot of water...

Turns out it was because she could never get more than two humps out of me.

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Geez, there's a lot of people on this Ashley Madison list...

It's a pretty bad state of affairs

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot has changed...

like my name, phone number, address, etc.

I had sex with a fat chick last night but I was really nervous...

There was a lot riding on me.

I’m reading a book that tries to compare different versions of The Bible.

There is a lot of cross referencing.

There are a lot of double standards in dating. Like if a girl has sex with a bunch of dudes, she called a "slut."

If I do it, I'm called a "homosexual."

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

Buying my girl an engagement ring was a lot like getting new tires for the truck..

Even though she looks the same, she rode much better afterwards.

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

What do you get if you add up all the seconds of your life?

A lot of food you probably didn’t need to eat.