A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?
It was great
Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.
Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.
I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".
Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.
They say a woman's work is never done
maybe that's why they get paid less.
Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".
A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".
Three men book into a busy ski lodge
So they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream." Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex.
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
What's the difference between North Korea and Ubisoft?
North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as Ubisoft
*NSFW-ish* Two nuns
Two nun's are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out. Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says "Quick, show him your cross" Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says "Oi, Fuck off!"
I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...
It was a tie...
Swinger
I like to tell people my wife was a bit of a swinger back in the day.
Sounds so much better than saying she hung herself.
If I had a dollar every time I didn't know what was going on
I would be like, why am I getting all this free money?
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...
They would call it crucifact.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don’t like the Flinstones, people from Abu Dhabi do.
What is a dyslexic person's preferred alternative energy source?
It's unclear
Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus...
It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill
"Have you not got a girlfriend?"
"No dad."
"Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?
"No dad, not at all."
"Are you gay?"
"No dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies."
What's the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.