Time

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

I'm not addicted to drinking brake fluid....

I can stop any time I want.

"The doctor said that I should touch myself whenever I feel like it."

"No, Dave. He said you could have a stroke at any time."

The people that work at my bank are so nice!

Every time they call, they say my loans are outstanding!

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."

"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."

"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.

"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother. Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in. The mother skunk asked Out to go out and bring In in. So Out went out and in a few minutes he came in with In.

"My my, Out," she said, "how did you find In so quickly?"

Out just smiled and said, "Instinct."

There's an old saying that goes "You are what you eat".

I suppose that would explain why my vegan friend has been in a coma all this time.

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...

I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

First Time

**My new girlfriend says that our first sexual experience should feel like a fairy tale.**

**I'm looking for 7 midgets to join us this evening. No weirdos please.**

My first time having sex was a lot like my first high-school football game.

I was bruised and bloody in the end but at least my dad came.

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child. So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.

He says “This is Amanda”. His dad jumps up “It’s a fucking what?”

6 years ago i DMed my facebook crush telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times and blocked me

I cry every time after sex

I hate prison

Confucius say man who drops watch in toilet...

...has shitty time

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes." Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You are now a new creation, the old one is gone. Your new name is Green Tea!"

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant.

I can't take anything out in time.

Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.

In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

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Wanted to update an oldie but goodie to modern times.

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

...that means no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.

‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand”

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks ‟And why is that?”

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... ‟Well, its just that mine have gotten tired.”

One day, I went to a store and bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I went to that store again and got a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

Frustrated, I went to that store one last time and bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle!

The time traveler was still hungry after his last bite

So he went back four seconds

Several thousand letters were just delivered to me

That's the last time I order a fucking dictionary from IKEA.

What's the difference between a good joke?

and a bad joke timing

I lost 50 pounds once

sadly I was in England at the time.

I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.

Bet she didn't see that coming.