Me jokes

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied.

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

You've gotta hand it to short people..

Usually because they can't reach it

Man: Judge, I want to contest 80% of my parking tickets.

Judge: Repeat infractions?

Man: Ok. I want to contest 4/5 of my parking tickets.

A teacher asks her students,"Can anybody spell before?"

Carey stands up and says, "Before. B -e- f -o- r.Before."

"No that is wrong.Sit down."say4s the teacher."

"Frankie, can you spell before?"

Frankie stands up and says, "Before.B - e- e- f -o-r.Before!"

"No, that's not right either.Tyrone, can you spell before?"

Tyrone stands up and says,"Before. B-e-f-o-r-e! Before!"

"Outstanding!"says the teacher."Now, can you use it in a sentence?"

Tyrone stands up and says,

" 2+2 before."

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He misses you.

A topless woman robbed a bank.

No one remembers her face.

"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

My nickname in school was Scarface...

...because I was so damn good at knitting.

How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

An alcoholic wakes up in jail

He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"

the officer replies "for drinking"

The man replies "great, when do we start?"

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have 2 half sisters