tattoo of a $100 bil
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
Husband and wife
A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.
The husband types 'My Penis'
The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'
A man goes to India for a cheap penis extension..
The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later, while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flies out and steals an apple off the table and goes back into his pants. "Wow!", she says, "can you do that again?" He says,"My cock can, but I don't think my arsehole can take another apple."
A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question
"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my teeth out?"
In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.
Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!
poof
His penis touches the floor.
His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
A man lost his penis in a car accident...
He's obviously devastated. Although a lawsuit after the accident wins him £9000. During a check up with the doctor he is offered an experimental procedure. They can read build his penis at the price of £1000 per inch. Extatic, he tells the doctor he will discuss it with his wife and return tomorrow with an answer. The next day comes round and the doctor asks what the decision is. The man replies dejected "we are getting a new kitchen".
A priest and a man are standing next to each other at a urinal...
The man cannot help himself and looks over at the priest. He notices the priest has a nicotine patch on his penis. Puzzled, the man asks, "Father why do you have a nicotine patch on your penis for?" The priest replies, "well, since I've started wearing these I am down to two butts a day."
Hit by a fastball
A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs and a pained expression on his face. "what happened darling?" says his wife. "I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies. "Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better". So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils. "how's that my darling, are you feeling better?" The man examines his bruised finger and says: "That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."
First visit to America as German guy!
I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by. She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"
I shouted back "DANKE!"
What did one lonely penis say to the other?
I just want to belong.
What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?
Your spine
A man was in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replied: "Because I really miss mine".
Warning to all men about eBay.
Be careful what you buy on eBay.
If you buy stuff on line, be sure to
check out the seller carefully.
I just spent £95 + postage,
on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."
Why do jewish women like circumcised penises?
What jew doesn't like 10% off?
My penis was once in the Guiness Book of World Records
But the librarian made me take it out.
What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced
So two people are about to have sex for the first time
and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"
To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."
After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"
"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."
A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec
I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.
I wish my penis felt the same way my nose currently does.
Because then it too would be raw from having been blown all day.
A man walks into the doctors and says he has something wrong with his penis...
... the doctor says “Ok, take off your clothes so I can do an examination”
The man does as he says and the doctor examines his penis
The doctor says “Sir, I’m afraid you need to stop masturbating”
The man says “Why?”
The doctor says “Because I need to do the examination”
A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.
He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?
The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.
The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?
The marine says: No sir.
One of the generals takes a ruler and starts to measure. But he does not find the balls.
General:Where are your balls marine?
Marine: In vietnam
Life is like a penis.
It's all relaxed freely hanging, and then a woman comes and makes it hard.
After sex, a girl once told me I had a small penis. She was cool, though. She never told any of her friends...
She never told anyone. Anything. Ever. Again.
Wanna hear a joke about my penis?
Actually, never mind. I'll finish, you'll be thoroughly disappointed, and then I'll start crying.