Me jokes

If a co worker is sick, is it considered a staff infection?

I really just came up with this joke all by myself, this is a big moment for me.

Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

Me: When I donate my blood

I do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.

We were at a family dinner last night, and at one point my Uncle Bob stood up and declared, “I’m gay and I don’t care who knows it!”

He must have been really drunk, because he’s been married to my Uncle Tony for six years now.

•••

Happy National Coming Out Day!

A goat, a drum, and a rattlesnake fall down a cliff...

ba dum tss

Why are steak puns so rare?

Because they are never well done.

Apparently 1/3 of people in a relationship are unfaithful

I’ve just gotta figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver?

A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3.

His left ear.

His right ear.

And the final frontier.

Dad called me a cunt

I always buy him socks for Xmas. I said, "you bastard, it's the thought that counts." I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One says to the other "what do you say we go in there and get shit-faced?"

What's the hardest tea to swallow

Reality

I had a nightmare that my TikTok account got banned

For a second, i was really scared that i had TikTok

I just swallowed a mood ring.

Not quite sure how I feel about it...

What does Lebron James do after winning the NBA Championship?

He turns off his Xbox.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face

Because its the scenter

I used to like Mitch Hedberg

I still do, but I used to too

Why are transgender people rarely seen with their children?

Because they're transparent.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.