Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
What happens if you drop a nuclear weapon on a dyslexic person?
It's unclear.
In the words of Bill Murray...
An Irish man knocks on the door of an old lady, he says he's broke and looking for work. The old lady says "Sure, I'll pay you to paint my porch." So she gives the Irish man some paint and he leaves.
One hour later the man comes back, "Are you already done?" the lady asked, "Aye." said the Irish man, "But it's not a porch it's a Mazda."
Why do French people eat snails?
Because they don't like fast food.
Me: Dad, can I be frank?... And if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be real pissed!
Dad: That seems fair, gonnaberealpissed.
I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course?
Shlalom
I finally got around to reading that book by Stephen Hawking.
It was about time.
What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe
Kilometery Cyrus
It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
My Wife told me to treat her like a princess
So I put her in the back of my car and crashed it into a tunnel
What do you call a weather joke with a bad punchline?
An anti-climactic climatic joke.
I tried to remarry my ex-wife
But she figured out I was only after my money
A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"
"I am not Master Ayumu."
"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm," I told the prostitute.
"That's not true," she replied.
"Of course it is," I laughed. "What do you mean?"
She said, "I'm a man."
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all... - Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.
He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s mind once and for all.
“You see,” she told him, “he was struck by a drunk driver.”
“I wasn’t drunk.” He replied.
but I have a PhD...
"Here's a broom go and sweep the floors."
"But I have a PhD..."
"Oh sorry, give me the broom, I'll show you how its done."
my friend invited me over for a three-some with him and his wife
After about ten minutes of just going at it I said: okay seriously. When is your wife getting home?
Why does Batman just wear dark colors?
Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot.
Why does Robin just wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot
What do you call a vegan lion?
Dead