One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
If you see somebody wearing a mask pulled down below their nose, don’t worry...
Those people are all mouth-breathers anyway
Jack an Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's candy
Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock, because Jill's real name was Randy.
Guy orders 11 shots at a bar
Bartender says "What are you celebrating?" Guys says "My first blowjob" Bartenders says "Congrats, but why 11 shots?" Guys says "I figured by the 11th the taste would be out of my mouth. "
First dirty joke I told my parents when I was 8. The punishment was worth it.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
It's the little things in a marriage.
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.
Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth??"
He says, "Two aspirin". She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!! He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."
#1 Handjob Tip for Women:
Use your mouth.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
Some would say that putting decorative soaps that look like food in their bathrooms is cute.
But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Guy walks into a bar
And orders 6 shots, and drinks them one after the other
Bartender says "what's the occasion?"
Guy says " my first blowjob"
Bartender "in that case let me buy you another"
Guy " if the first 6 don't get the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another would help"
What is the volume of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
About one U.S Leader.
I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.
Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?
Dangerous trick
Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!
Than guy asks the audience: if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!
Girl stands up and says: "I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"
It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona
Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.
This will make sure that
a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.
b) nobody will shake hands with you.
c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.
d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.
What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, there's a live grenade in her mouth.
Bank on it..
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach!
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscle's just to keep our balance when we stand.
The woman has read this entire text.
The man is still looking at his thumb.
Finally realized why the end of my rifle always tastes so salty
Because whenever I put it in my mouth I’m always crying
2 year old son spits on the floor.
Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it. Husband raises eyebrows. Wife: You shut up!