Language jokes

What is the longest word in the Spanish language?

Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll

A linguistics professor

... was lecturing to her class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

speak, three languages you are trilingual, two, bi-lingual, what do they call you if you only speak one language?

American

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

I have an Eastern European friend who fixes my language mistakes...

My personal spell Czech.

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language

She says it's private.

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

If your phone auto corrects "fuck" to "duck," it's okay to keep it

It’s still fowl language

Aliens are probably monitoring our media.

98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language.

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese

made a language entirely out of tattoos.

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, shits on the floor and leaves.