Myself jokes

I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This infuriates the President, who then asks what could be worse than that.

The Secret Service informs them that it’s Melania’s handwriting.

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 5 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

I'd tell you the one about the Jonestown Massacre, BUT...

The punch line's too long.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra.

And she's a bitch.

Forward, it’s heavy. Backwards, it’s not. What is it?

A ton

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

Apple wanted to make a smaller ipod just for kids...

But they decided that Itouch Kids wouldn't be an appropriate name.

Gordon Ramsay goes to Australia and whips up a lemon meringue pie.

The whole audience cheers! “That's strange," he says. “I thought Australians usually boo meringue."

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

Do you know on the Canary Islands there is not one Canary and on the Virgin Islands

same thing not one canary

What's the difference between Mike Tyson and DJ Kahled?

Tyson went down eventually.

A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"

A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

What should you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run, there's a live grenade in her mouth.

I knew someone had added dirt to my garden.

And so, the plot thickens

I just broke up with my lazy gym buddy.

Didn’t work out.

Trump still has a chance at 270

All he has to do is lose 50lbs.

Bank on it..

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

Introducing my girlfriend to my family..

me: so this is my girlfriend Janine

Janine: hi

wife: what the fuck