Myself

A snake walks in to a bar...

Barman says "you can't do that"!

"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..."

"He took a long look at me and gave me $300"

A guy gets a call from his Doctor...

The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."

The guy says "What's the bad news?"

The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."

The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."

What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11?

A supreme liter.

What is Neil Armstrong's favorite key on the keyboard?

The SPACE BAR of course!!!!

My ten year old came up with that doozy :)

My 28yo wife asked me how old does she look

Apparently, 42 is not the answer to everything

What's the difference between the Titanic and Kim Kardashian?

The number of people who rode the Titanic is known.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks

. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

“What did you do that for?” he asks.

“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.

“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”

“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”

An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."

The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."

I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support meeting...

So I just came in my pants.

A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

If I had a dollar for every gender

I’d have 2 dollars and a pocket full of counterfeits.

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

I wish my girlfriend went down as much...

as the pound did last night.

Why would anyone want to be a masochist?

Beats me

What is Pac-Man’s favorite cooking utensil?

A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok

Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...

"Substitooths".

What’s the difference between weather and climate?

You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.