I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...
I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
I replied, "That would be my wife"
"I'm all up for sex with handcuffs..."
"...I just think a little warning would have been nice, Officer."
A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.
"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man
"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman
The man turns to his wife and says: "See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
A Polish police officer pulls over a German tourist.
Officer: Good day, license and registration, please.
The tourist gives his license and registration to the police officer.
Officer: What is your age?
Tourist: 31 years old.
Officer: Occupation?
Tourist: No, just visiting.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you...
You have my Word.
A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay
"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"
"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”
“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
Officer! That guy threw sodium chloride at me!
Police officer: That's a salt!
Trump and Putin are sitting in Putin's office discussing how powerful they are.
Putin says "Watch this." He picks up the phone and says something in Russian.
A beautiful woman walks in the room, kneels in front of Putin and begins giving him a blow job.
Minutes pass, and Putin finishes. He gives the woman a tap on the head, and she stands up and walks out of the room.
Looking back at Trump, Putin asks "Do you want to try?"
Trump replies "Yeah, but please dont tap me on the head when you're done."
So a cop knocked on my door this morning.
He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'
I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'
An alcoholic wakes up in jail
He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"
the officer replies "for drinking"
The man replies "great, when do we start?"