Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.
I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.
A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel...
They stand in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager comes out of his office and asks them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they move off. "Because," he says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
The officer said “You’re staggering.”
I said “You’re quite handsome yourself.” We both laughed and laughed. I need bail money.
A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.
“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”
“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.
Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.
He notices that the woman’s husband is pale as a ghost and visibly shaken. “What’s the matter with him?” he asks.
She answers, “We just got off of interstate 195.”
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
A husband and wife are in the doctor's office
The wife says "doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction". The husband interjects "well, technically it's her who suffers from it".
I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.
He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I punched a white man in the face and was arrested for assault..
The next day when I got out, I punched a black man in the face and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
Uvalde citizen gets pulled over
A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."
The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uvalde Police don't have balls."
Did you hear about the man who went to the psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap?
The psychiatrist said "this won't take long, I can clearly see your nuts"
There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.
They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.
The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.
The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.
"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"
"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer
"I am, yes, nice to meet you."
I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".
What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.
A police officer spots an elderly woman carrying two large sacks, one leaking $20 bills. He asks her, "Where did you get all that money?" She explains, "There's a golf course behind my house. When golfers pee through a hole in my fence, I threaten to cut it off unless they pay $20."
The cop asks about the other sack. She replies, "Not everyone pays."
A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.
He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"
The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"
The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "
I think my co-workers are gay
Every time I walk past them in the office, they always whisper "What an ass"
The phone bill was exceptionally high...
.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.
Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.
Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.
Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
All of them were shocked and together looked at the maid who was patiently listening to them.
Finally the maid said, "Why are you all looking at me? So we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??
Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket?
Officer: It was a moving violation
Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house.
Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.