It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her
He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics" Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not. After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again. "Look, I'm sorry. I just can't kiss you. In fact," he sighed, "I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but....
At least we can say, "hey dad", "thanks for the warning officer", and "that's my kid".
I want Donald Trump to be my parole officer...
...he never lets anybody finish a sentence.
His visit to the eye doctor.
A man was scheduled to go to an eye exam, so he walks in and gets it done. When the doctor walks into the office, he has a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?” the patient asks. “Well, your test results don’t look too good” said the doctor. The patient replied, “well can I see them?” The doctor answered, “probably not.”
A guy just finishes his lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery...
The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.
The man excitedly ~~replys~~ replies, "I'll take the good news first."
The surgeon tells him, "well you're about to get a new dog."
A student visits the principal’s office one day...
The principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” The student replies: “T-T-T-on-on-on-tony, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?” The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Why are diversity officers in progressive companies always women?
Because it is cheaper.
The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.
"How is she?", I asked.
"Very critical", replied the officer.
"The fuck is she complaining about now?"
The worst part about working at the unemployment office?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't. They're too busy arresting the light bulb for being broke and beating the room for being black.
I won the "most secretive guy in my office" award.
I can't tell you how much this means to me.
President George W. Bush is sitting in his office...
...When one of his informants walks in to report, "Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed by Al Qaeda." Bush is silent for a moment as he holds his head in his hands in immense sadness. "Sir, what's wrong?" asks the informant. Bush brings his head up to look at the man and asks, "How many is a Brazilian, exactly?"
A man attempting to piss in public is apprehended by a police officer...
The officer asks him, "Sir, do you realize this is against the law?"
The man replies, "No, sir, it's against the wall."
A man walks into the doctor's office and immediately drops his pants....
The doctor sees a small leaf of lettuce hanging from the man's anus. (Rather redundantly) he asks "What seems to be the problem here?" "Oh doc," the man replies, "that's just the tip of the iceberg."
Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway
The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"
Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."
The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"
•
Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."
Officer: I'm sorry to say, it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck...
Me: Yeah but she has a good personality
Safe Driving
Officer: Why did you deliberately run into that crowd of people?!
Man: Well, my brakes failed. There was a crowd on one side of the road, and a single man on the other.
Officer: SO WHY DID YOU HIT THE CROWD!?!
Man: Naturally, I swerved left to avoid the crowd, and hit that single man! But then ... that SELFISH bastard ran across the road towards the crowd!
An employee gets called into his boss’s office...
Boss: “Young man, you have risen very fast in this company. Two years ago, you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman, after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company. What have you to say about all this?"
Employee: "Thanks, Dad".
The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.
When asked "Why didn't you laugh?" He responded " I don't work here"
Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone
It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.
She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"
Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"
Then he notices 3 other older ladies in the back seat whose faces were white as a sheet.
He asks the driver whats wrong.
Her - "Oh, we just came off I-215"
I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record.
I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.
A group of chess enthusiasts check into a hotel...
They stand in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager comes out of his office and asks them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they move off. "Because," he says, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
The officer said “You’re staggering.”
I said “You’re quite handsome yourself.” We both laughed and laughed. I need bail money.
A police officer pulls over an elderly woman on the highway.
“Ma’am”, the officer says, “I clocked you at 22 mph. The minimum speed on the highway is 45 mph.”
“But I just saw a 20 mph speed limit sign,” the woman replies.
Chuckling, the officer explains to the woman that the sign she saw was for interstate 20.
He notices that the woman’s husband is pale as a ghost and visibly shaken. “What’s the matter with him?” he asks.
She answers, “We just got off of interstate 195.”