Once jokes

Last night my wife wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car

And she wanted me to drive

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

What state is Lake Michigan in?

In liquid state 😛

‌‌My g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌eft a‌‌ n‌‌ote o‌‌n t‌‌he f‌‌ridge d‌‌oor...

It said, "This is not working. I'm going to my mothers."

I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?

Being married is solving problems together.

Problems I wouldn't have, if I was single.

Funny unknown historical fact:

Pharoahs were burried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her B-shells.

My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...

that I'm in the control group.

Dating a chick with 12 nipples sounds funny...

Dozen tit?

What did the astronaut say to his girlfriend?

I need space.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for work?

Bison

Beer

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling

And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience: if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!

Girl stands up and says: "I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"

What is Mexico's national sport?

Cross Country

Went to the book store for the Christmas sale “1/3 off all titles”

I got a lovely copy of “The Lion, The Witch”

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.

"Wing wing".

"Halo?"

What do you call a Persian lesbian?

A flying carpet muncher.

I'm so sorry.

A man walks into a bar and asks:

"Bartender, may I have a Less?" To which the bartender says: "I'm sorry sir, what did you want?" "I would like to have a Less please." The bartender then apologizes: "I don't know this drink, sir, could you describe it to me?" The man answers: "Well... I don't really know, but my doctor told me to drink less."