Jack and his wife lived in Arizona where the summers are very hot. He woke up one day when they were having a heat wave. As he stepped out of the shower he complained to his wife saying, “it’s just too hot to wear any clothes on a day like this. What would the neighbors think if I mowed the lawn with no clothes.” “That I married you only for your money.”
A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...
After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"
I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights
He got out of his car and said "I'm not happy." I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
Same time next month (with finger guns)
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
I don't know why the beautiful attendant at IKEA reported me to the police
All I asked was, "How much for one night stand?"
Two morticians meet in a bar...
...and talk about their jobs. The first mortician says to the other: "Today I got a woman who had a clitoris like a pickled cucumber". the other one asks: "What, so big?" "No," says the first, "so salty!"
Prison may be just one word
But for some people it's a whole sentence
Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....
.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.
I always get the last laugh
Because no one else laughs at my jokes
Two blondes fall into a well
The first one says “wow it’s really dark in here” the other says “really? I can’t see anything.”
A guy wanks into a bar.
He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,
"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."
One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.
"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're lesbians."
"What's that?" asks the guy.
"It means we only like to have sex with women" the girl responds.
To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us lesbians."
A German couple has a baby...
For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”
Mercedes for Sale @ $1
Someone put up this advertisement. No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car. The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1. She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?" The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".
Two goats are eating garbage
The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.
When he's done, the second one asks, "how did you like the movie?"
The first one responds, "it was OK, but I liked the book better."
Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
Fucking Subway...
I will die in a month
but don't know in which one.
The soviet soldier asked the german how to get to Berlin
Soviet soldier:how do i go to Berlin ? German: two hundred meters later take the third Reich.
(it was my first english joke ever probably it gonna be the last one sorry for my broken english)
Who is the moat popular guy in a nudist colony?
The one who can hold 12 doughnuts without any hands.
Who is the most popular woman?
The one who can eat the last doughnut
The carpenter came home one day...
A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.
In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
He then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next he picked up a hacksaw.
The terrified man, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."