Laugh jokes

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten-tickles.

I'm sorry, everyone.

Husband and wife

A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.

The husband types 'My Penis'

The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The Suspence"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

I was waiting for the green light at the crossing and saw an old woman walking with a little child...

The excited child was walking bit faster towards the crossing than the old lady. She then shouted, "Degree, wait for me!" I was so amazed to hear such an unusual name. So to satisfy my curiousity, I walked closer to the woman and asked; "Ma, why do u call your grand child Degree?" The woman laughed and said "I sent her mother to University for education and this is what she brought home instead."

They all laughed when I told them that I would discover the secrets of invisibility

If only they could see me now

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, “You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.” The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, “That’s nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.” The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...

... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.

"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"

"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of a teenager

until she checked the freezer.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are at a coffee house.

The physicist says, "You know, engineering is just applied physics," and they all laugh. The mathematician says, "You know, physics is just applied math," and they all laugh again. Then the philosopher says, "Well, you know, math is just applied philosophy," and the engineer says, "Shut up and make our coffee."

Can a Mongolian make you laugh?

Genghis Kahn.

(No idea if this is an old joke or not. I told it in a dream I had last night so I'm claiming as original).

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now! Wait...

"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm," I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied.

"Of course it is," I laughed. "What do you mean?"

She said, "I'm a man."

My favourite joke ever

So a woman is in the hospital, having just given birth to twins. The midwife appears at her side and gravely says that she has some good news and some bad news. The woman asks for her to get the bad news out of the way. "Well," the midwife says, "unfortunately one of the children is ginger". The Mother laughs and says, "Well then, whats the good news?" "Its dead", the midwife says.

The boss tells one of his jokes and everyone burst out laughing in the office. Except for one guy.

When asked "Why didn't you laugh?" He responded " I don't work here"

How do you make a hormone?

You pay her.

(This was told at my pharmacy school. We laughed and then felt shame afterwards.)

What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

A kid comes up to me to show me a nickel he had just found...

He then says he could tell my fortune if I gave him a penny. I gave him a penny and he told me my fortune, “You are going to laugh within the next few minutes.” Confused, I asked how he could know this. He held out his hand with the coins in his palm and said, “I’ve got this sixth cents.” He was right, I did laugh.

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green

At least I avacado

A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, an atheist, and a Pagan all walk into a Starbucks

And they chat, enjoy coffee, laugh, become friends, and have a wonderful time.

This isn't a joke, by the way. It's just what happens when you're not a dickhead

My wife said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."