Other jokes

If two vegans are having an argument

Is it still considered beef?

I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”

“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

Dad: Son, you're adopted.

Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

The Job Interview

Me: "Time travel"

Potential Employer: "What would you say is your greatest stre-WHAT THE FUCK?!?

The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist.

\-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -"Thank you for coming!"-

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help. I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

Never insult an Italian Baker

He'll beat the focaccia.

What do you call a gay man in his house by himself?

homolone

I read somewhere that WD40 is great from keeping mice out of your garden.

I tried it... It doesn't work!!

However they have stopped squeaking.

Friends are like bricks

it's kinda funny when you throw them through a window

If I had to rate our solar system

I’d give it one star

Three men were sitting in a prison cell in Moscow in 1937

They discussed why they had been arrested.

"I showed up ten minutes late for work" the first man said "so they arrested me for sabotage"

"I showed up ten minutes early for work" said the second "so they arrested me for espionage"

"I showed up to work on time" said the third "so they arrested me for owning a Western watch"

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.

Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

Did you know that there was a woman with twelve breasts?

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

If you run behind a car you will get exhausted...

But if you run infront of a car you will get tired

I had a dream..

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

A toothbrush salesman at the mall

A toothbrush salesman is tasked with selling his product at the mall. So he sets up a small kiosk by the escalator with a bag of chips and cup of dip. A man and his wife walk up and the wife eats a chip and remarks about how good it is. The salesman says "you really must try the dip" And so the husband takes a scoop of dip on the chip and eats it. "Oh god! This dip tastes like shit!" The salesman quickly replies "it is shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'?

I don’t see the point, it’s needless.

i caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

so i had to ground him. he’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.