Lie

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

An old man is lying on his death bed...

... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."

The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."

Why are women so bad at backing up their vehicles?

Because we're constantly lied to about how long 6 inches is.

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.

A Scotsman walks into a bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in bed reading a book says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep not a cow."

The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Ladies call me Subway...

because I’ve got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...

I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said, "here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead.

So everyday, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic..

A drunk is in a bar, lying on the floor and looking the worse for wear. Other bar patrons decide to be good samaritans and to take him home. They pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times. Mission accomplished, they prop him against the door jam and ring the doorbell. "Here's your husband!" they exclaim proudly. "Where's his wheelchair?" asks the puzzled wife....

The Washington Redskins finally decided to drop their offensive name.

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins." It was reported that he finds the word "Washington" imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin'?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"

Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.

He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”

The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”

Just found out that the Oscars is a big fucking lie all the way along

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'

If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter

Then does that mean that black lies matter?

WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!

Apparently you have to wear clothes too.

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table. What was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

A farmer buys a young cock

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too.

Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"

where do babies come from

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"

Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"

A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.

The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"

Teenage sex

My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”

What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?

"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"

"Welcome. We're glad to have you"

Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.