Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, ‘You must have a vase somewhere!'
My mate Paddy called me last night.
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."
"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station
in a remote part of Ireland. Paddy, who knows nothing about golf, says "Top of the morning to you sir!"
Tiger nods and bends over to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his pocket.
"What are those?"
Tiger replies, "These are called tees. They are for resting my balls on when I am driving."
"Fuck me" says Paddy, BMW think of everything!"
A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...
He asks, "how much for full sex?"
"$50" she replies.
"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.
Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.
"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."
"Sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife."
Paddy shouts, "neither did I till you shone the fucking torch in her face!"
Paddy got a job as a lumberjack
but try as he might, he couldn't meet his quota of fifty trees a day. By chance he saw an ad in a shop window for chainsaws 'guaranteed to fell 60 trees a day'. So he bought one, but the best he could manage was forty trees a day. So he took it back to the shop and complained that there must be something wrong with it. "Let me look at it", said the man in the shop. So he took the chainsaw and switched it on. "What's that noise?" said Paddy?
