It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
Australians don't have sex...
Australians mate.
So my mate was welding the other day
While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.
Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.
Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.
After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creepy Teacher Syndrome"
"Creepy teacher Syndrome?"
"Yes," the doctor replies, "You've fucked one of your pupils"
*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate
Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”
John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.
Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife’s dick”
Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.
Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... Prove it."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
A man walks into a bar with a gun
And shouts, "Who the hell fucked my wife?!" A man in the back replied "You haven't got enough bullets mate!"
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
My mate Paddy called me last night.
He said, "My dog had nine puppies 12 weeks ago and now apparently they are worth £600 each."
"Fucking hell, mate." I said, "Drinks are on you then!"
He said, "I'm not selling them."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "If they're worth £600 each now, can you imagine what they'll be worth in 10 years?"
I finally married my Korean wife whom I met in a penpal site few years ago..
She's my Seoul mate.
Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate..!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."
An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....
....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and closed up”... “Ahhh bummer mate”, the helpline operator replied. “Oh cheers, great idea, thanks mate!” Replied Bruce... and put the ‘phone down.....