At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...
... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.
"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"
"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents house.
Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me; I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You’re just going to have to be a little patient.”
A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.
Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.
All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.
The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”
“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”
What is the distinction between nervousness, fear and panic?
Nervousness is when your wife is pregnant.
Fear is when your girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when they both are.
This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..
Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...
If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....
....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and closed up”... “Ahhh bummer mate”, the helpline operator replied. “Oh cheers, great idea, thanks mate!” Replied Bruce... and put the ‘phone down.....
This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register.
Dire times indeed.