Life

There are 3 unwritten rules of life.

1.

2.

3.

The Telegram

"Telegram"

Oh boy, I've always wanted a singing telegram!

"Oh, it's not a singing telegram, just a regular telegram"

Oh come on, you can sing it, can't ya?

"I really shouldn't"

How about for $5?

"Ugh... I don't think so"

$10?

"Sir..."

$20?! Come on man, I have wanted a singing telegram all my life. You got to.

"I don't feel comfortable..."

You stupid punk. OK... $50. Can you just sing the stupid telegram?!

"Ok, sir... you asked for it"

"Buh-duh bud-duh, buh-buh... your sister Rose is dead..."

Why does the Earth make fun of the moon?

Because it has no life

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child. So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

Sperm...

Is just life in a nutshell

They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"

They are darn right, that field isn't hiring!

Life is like a box of chocolates...

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

As a father I am granted 3 things in life:

1. I am allowed to have a dad bod. 2. I am allowed to make dad jokes. 3. I am a certified mother fucker.

How to always be positive in life:

| life |

I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

I’ll call it my oughtabiography.

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Italian: " Hey, wassup lady??? I just tella my friend, how to spella Mississippi....."

Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

A man and wife are thinking of ways to spice up their sex life.

“I know!” says the husband. “Let’s act out a rape fantasy!”

“No. I will not do that” says the wife. The husband goes....

“That’s the spirit!”

What’s the difference between a baby and a feminist?

At some point in it’s life, a baby will grow up and stop crying.

I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.

I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

So two people are about to have sex for the first time

and the lady says, "Unfortunately I have small boobs, is that alright with you?"

To which the male replies, "Yea it's alright, I have a dick like a baby."

After the sex the lady exclaims, "You have the biggest penis I have ever seen in my life, Why did you say it was like a baby?"

"It is. 9 pounds 6 ounces and a foot in height."

*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife’s dick”

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.

I always wanted my life to be a meme.

Dead in a week

Life is like a penis.

It's all relaxed freely hanging, and then a woman comes and makes it hard.