A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .
"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."
"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."
"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.
"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.
Two spiders are at another spiders funeral.
"Peter was the most gentle spider I ever knew. He wouldn't hurt a fly."
"Yeah, that's true. Do you know what he died from?"
"Starvation."
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”
St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”
The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”
St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”
One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"
Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"
What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car?
Peter Parker
A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door.
He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands
The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. "75, 76, 77..." he said, as he began to walk away.
I don't know what he's up to now.