Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.
She’s been raising a lot of red flags.
Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?
Because they were raised by a neck romancer.
A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.
"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"
“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.
“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "fuck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America?
They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised
As a kid I was told that, "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten."
Also when I was a kid I was told by Bob Barker to, "..help control the pet population."
I was raised to listen to my elders...
"Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."
“An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”
Topless carwash
So these kids in school are trying to find new ways to raise money. They suggest a few ideas, all of which are shot down by their teacher. Finally a kid says ‘I get it! We should do a topless carwash!’
Very carefully, the teacher asks: ‘what do you mean?’
The kid says, ‘well, we can’t reach the roofs of the cars, so we will just do the sides and the front and back’
My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?
To keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What type of flour do you buy an orphan?
Self-raising.
What flour do you give an orphan? Self-raising.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: "What companies are those?"
Me: "The electricity company and the water company."
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject
Now when you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.
Don't wait until your deathbed
to tell people how you really feel. You might be too weak to raise your middle finger by then.
Student walks into professor's office
She says, "I'm just not doing very well in your class. I was wondering if there was anything I could do to raise my grade?"
The professor looks her up and down and asks, "What are you willing to do to raise your grade?"
"I'd do *anything*," she answers coyly, playing with her hair.
"Anything?"
"*Anything*!" she repeats with a knowing grin.
"Would you....study?"
As a father I’ve learned how important it is to have a pet in your home while raising children.
Not because it teaches kids responsibility or anything but because it makes asking who shit on the floor a lot less awkward.
The eyebrows agree that they deserve a raise.
They say to the man, "hey, we've done exactly what you've asked for years with little compensation. We deserve a raise!"
The man looked surprised.
The eyebrows said, "Thank you."
2 year old son spits on the floor.
Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!
