French

What do you call a French prostitute in Pakistan?

Lahore

What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?

A oui lad

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

An English soldier is captured by the French and is sentenced to execution

Unfortunately for him, screaming “mercy” at the top of his lungs only hastened the process.

Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America?

They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised

"Un, deux, trois, quatre", radioed the French ship...

...before it cinq.

"Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence.

"Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres.

"One," radioed the British ship before it went two.

"Won," radioed the American sub.

A pig that can speak French

A circus advertises a new act: a pig that can speak French. A trainer walks onto the stage carrying a small pig with a blue ribbon and a wooden mallet. The trainer asks, "Parlez-vous français?" and hits the pig with the mallet. The pig: "Ouiiii..."

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.

Why do the Romans use more eggs in their omelets than the French?

Because the Romans feel that when it comes to eggs, you can't have too many ovum.

But in France, they believe that one egg is un ouef.

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

Did you know that French fries weren't first cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

Have you heard of an Australian kiss?

.. it’s like a French kiss but down under!!

I hate French people

They give me the crepes

Old joke about heaven and hell

Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, and the auto mechanics are German.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English, and the auto mechanics are French.

A frog took a DNA test

The results said he was 20% British, 30% French and a tad Pole.

The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...

They named the French cat "un deux trois cat" and the British, "one two three cat."

Which cat made it across first?

The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.

A man enters an animal shop, and sees a parrot with ropes tied to each of it's legs...

The man asks the shopkeeper about the parrot and the shopkeeper replies:

- If you pull the right leg rope, he's gonna greet you in French, and if you pull the left leg rope, he'll greet you in German

- And what about, if i pull both simultaneously? - asks the man.

- Well, he...

Suddenly the parrot interrupts him:

- I will fall down, you idiot!

What do the French listen to in their spare time?

Royalty free music

What do you get when you throw a grenade inside a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blonaparte :)

Why do french tanks have rear view mirrors?

To see the battle.

Why did the French guy only eat one egg?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.

If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.

I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

Do you know what French people smoke?

Oui’d.