A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
An old man is lying on his death bed...
... when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."
The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the funeral."
A young boy runs into the house and excited shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.
Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked. Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus.
“Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?”
The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says,
“My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.”
The country boy replies,
“My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
So a man is walking a penguin down the street on a lead. A policeman sees him and stops the man.
The policeman says, "what are you doing?! Take that penguin to the zoo!"
A week later, the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
He says, "hey, I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"
The man replies: "I did! He loved it! We're going to the theme park tomorrow!"
tattoo of a $100 bil
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
Blind Man
A blind man walks into a department store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden he starts swinging the dog around in the air by its leash.
One of the store clerks run up to him and yells, "What are you doing!?"
The blind man replies," I'm just taking a look around."
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? "
He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
A nights work...
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the sex worker slowly. "Paint...my....house."
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."
Kid's know far too much these days...
This morning, while in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "you'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that." She replied, "I don't think so, he's doing her up the ass"
I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...
An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”
I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”
She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”
A woman was in her physician's office when she suddenly asked him to kiss her
He replies, "I can't, that would be against my code of ethics" Twenty minutes went by and the woman again pleaded for him to kiss her. Once more he refused, explaining as a doctor he simply could not. After another 15 minutes passed, the woman begged him again. "Look, I'm sorry. I just can't kiss you. In fact," he sighed, "I probably shouldn't even be fucking you."
Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife.
I shouted SUPER SEX!!!!
She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?
A boy asks his dad about his past.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies:
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
A Scottish woman visiting the U.S. walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a domestic beer. The bartender asks, "Anheuser Busch?"
The woman, a bit confused replies " It's fine I guess...... Anheuser pecker?"
Jew problems
An old jew comes to a rabbi and says: "Please help me, my son became a christian!"
The rabbi replies: "i can't help you, god has the same problem."
A Seventh Grade Health Class
was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"
Batman says to Alfred, “I’m really tired Alfred, it's been an exhausting day, please can you just get the bathtub ready for me?"
Alfred replies, "Master Wayne, what is a htub?"