A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
An Englishman is sitting on a train when he overhears a loud conversation between two Italians...
First, Emma cum, then I cum... then two asses, they come together, then I cum again. Then the two asses, they come together again, then I cum... pee twice, then I cum again!
“Excuse me” says the Englishman. “In this country it’s very inappropriate to be talking about sex in public like that!”
The Italian guy is confused “what sex? I’m telling my friend how to spell a Mississippi!”
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
A Man and a Giraffe walk into a bar...
They sit down and order shot after shot after shot. Eventually, the giraffe passes out falling off his stool. As the man gets up to leave, the bartender says "hey you can't just leave that lyin' there!" The man responds, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Clock Shop
So a guy walks into a clock shop and whips out his dick. The young lady working the counter tells him, "This is a clock shop, not a cock shop." So the man says, "Well put two hands and a face on it."
A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.
The Optician asked him what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs." That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!
I buy this girl a drink
So I buy this girl a drink at the bar and you know what she does? She says thanks and gives it to her boyfriend. Normally that would piss me off, but it was fucking hilarious watching him drink that roofie.
A roman guy walks into a bar, lifts two fingers and says:
"I'll take five beers"
Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one."
Wife says, "Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a change."
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.
What did the penis say to the condom?
"Cover me, I'm going in."
A man comes to a carpet store and says:
“I need a rug.”
“Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”
“I need two rugs.”
A husband and wife are in the doctor's office
The wife says "doctor, my husband suffers from erectile dysfunction". The husband interjects "well, technically it's her who suffers from it".
Wonder Woman
Superman and Flash are on the roof of a tall building, and they see Wonder Woman, naked, with her legs wide open, on the roof of the building next door.
Flash says to Superman, "I bet I could run over to her, have sex with her, and run off before she notices me." Superman agrees, and Flash runs over, has rough and fast sex with her, and runs off.
Wonder Woman feels a breeze and goes, "What the hell was that?" and the Invisible Man goes, "I don't know, but damn does my ass hurt."
A woman goes to the doctor. “Please help. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
The doctor says “are you taking anything for it?”
The woman says “Yes. Pepper.”
So a photon checks into a hotel...
Bellman says "Sir may I take your bags?" Photon replies "Nah... I'm traveling light"
The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest...
The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist.
The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming."
The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...
A homeless guy sees a lady about to kill herself.
He walks up to her standing on the edge of a tall bridge and says, “hey I know what you’re about to do, and I won’t pretend to understand or stop you, but before you do, can we please have sex? It’s been a really long time.
She replies, no you sicko!”
So he says “it’s cool. I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”
So a man loses an arm and a leg in an accident...
And he's talking to a friend. The friend points out to him an advertisement for incredibly realistic prosthetic limbs. "Oh boy, those seem great! I can't wait to buy them!" He says, and he goes off to get them. The next day, he's talking to his friend, but he's still missing his limbs! "What happened, I thought you were going to buy them!" His friend said, confused. "Oh, I did," He replied, "But they cost me an arm and a leg."
A Rooster sees a cat fall in a puddle
The rooster falls into a fit of laughter, and can barely catch his breathe. The cat climbs out of the puddle and scolds the rooster saying "that was not funny at all." The rooster composes himself and says "Sorry, but do you know what a wet pussy does to a cock?"