An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"
The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"
A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a rum and.............cola"
"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.
The bear shrugs and says "I dunno, I was born with them."
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
Touched by Jesus
Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.
The Telemarketer
A telemarketer is making calls when a gentleman answers. "Good evening sir, how are you? I am calling today to--" when the man who answers interrupts him. He said, "Hold on now, first *I* have some questions for *you*." Amused, the telemarketer allows him to ask the questions. The man asks "What has a 2 inch penis, and hangs down?" The telemarketer replies "I give up, what?" The man says, "A monkey!... now what has a 9 inch penis, and hangs up?" The telemarketer says, "I don't know.."
--CLICK--
Stalin and Roosevelt were arguing over whose bodyguards were more loyal...
...and ordered them to jump out of the window on the fifteenth floor. Roosevelt's bodyguard flatly refused to jump, saying "I'm thinking about the future of my family." Stalin's bodyguard, however, jumped out of the window and fell to his death. Roosevelt was taken aback.
"Tell me, why did your man do that?" he asked.
Stalin lit his pipe and replied:
"He was thinking about the future of his family, too."
I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...
I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself
Cant work for my boss anymore
Me: I cant work for my boss anymore after what he told me yesterday.
Friend: What did he say?
Me: " You're fired "
My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.
The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"
The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."
The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"
The man is super happy and says "Yay, I got a yob!"
Tried to change my password to Twilight...
...but got an error message saying please re-enter as this contains too many useless characters :(
So they say a Harriet Tubman's face is going on the $20 bill.
Excellent, I can't wait to start using black people as currency again.
A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,
his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"
"About 4 days" she replies
"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"
"I ran out of lube this morning"
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint
You have to say
Leroy, please paint that wall
Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"
Bartender says "Three feet tall."
Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
A ship was sinking...
The captain of the ship gathers all passengers on deck and asks the crowd: "Does anyone here know how to say prayers".
A priest steps forward: "I can" he says with some pride in his voice. "Actually, I used to say the best prayers in the monastery, and they would be answered by God too" he continues boastfully.
"Great" answers the captain, "We're one life jacket short, so you say prayers, me and the crew are gonna rescue the rest of passengers by the life jackets".
At the gym
I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”
The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “Are you performing any better in bed now?” The man says, “I don’t know, I’m 35 miles away.”
So Darwin comes across a sad penguin in an airport....
He goes up to the penguin and asks, "Why so angry, you cute little fella?"
The penguin looks up to him and says "flight's delayed."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch
The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"
The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest" *Poof!* the brunette disappears.
The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest" *Poof!* the redhead disappears.
The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*