Movies are too violent
A lot of Critics have been saying that movies now days are way too violent. To test this theory I took a nine year old boy to go see Gladiator, and he cried the whole movie.
Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..
.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.
The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"
"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.
"It's worthless," says the critic
The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.
They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.
Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.
Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"
Fatherhood
A soldier asks his sergeant if he can have a couple of days off because he's going to become a father. 'Very well, you can have three days off' the sergeant says. After three days the soldier is back and the sergeant asks him what the name of the kid is. 'No idea' the soldier responds 'but I will tell you in nine months'.
What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?
Get off me, homes.
What did Piccolo say to Frieza?
Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z.
What did Roger Stone say when he bumped into Donald Trump?
Pardon me.
If I had the power of invisibility,
I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"
What did the horny hen say?
Any cock’ll doodle do!!
*courtesy of my 62 year old roommate*
An old man is at home on his death bed
When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."
My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens"
He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.
Two cowboys are riding out when the spot an Indian laying down with his ear to the ground.
Approaching him, one Cowboy says “Look here. These Indians can track wagons from miles away. You there, what can you tell about the closest wagon train?”
The Indian says “Large Conestoga wagon, father, mother, three daughters, headed due west at around ten miles per hour”.
“Wow!” Exclaimed the cowboys in unison. “You can tell all that by listening to the ground?”
“Nuh-uh. Ran over me half an hour ago”.
2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican.
The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."
What does a Russian woman say to stop her husband from abusing her?
Vladislov, baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more...
I'm sorry..
For an old man's 98th birthday,
his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Grampa says "Since I aint had a hard on in 10 yrs, I guess I'll have to settle for the soup"
They say alcohol cures everything, but that's a lie...
It still hasn't cured my alcoholism.
What did Elon Musk say to Grimes before they made X Æ A-12?
i 1 2 1⁄2 6
A guy finally gets up the courage to go see a doctor about his four testicles.
Doctor says, "You have a lot of balls coming in here"
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
An altar boy walks in to find his priest masturbating furiously...
Emabarrassed, he begins to back out of the room when the priest says "Sean, this is perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of; you'll be doing it yourself soon enough".
Skeptical, Sean says "Really, Father?"
The priest replies "Sure you will, my wrist is getting tired!"