A dad is sitting on the couch in his living room
He hears his son start walking down the stairs and then loud banging and rumbling
Dad: Son what happened?
Son: it’s nothing i just dropped my shirt down the stairs
Dad: it sounded a lot heavier than a shirt
Son: yeah it’s because i was wearing it
Sometimes I use big words
that I don't quite understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis
My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words? The Windows XP log-out sound.
There are some sounds that everyone loves:
- Shoes on gravel - Crackling of fire - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you - Cats purring
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too.
One too.
My friend said she was only taking Women's Studies courses this quarter
It sounds like a broad curriculum to me.
Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .
He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.
One day, I was walking down the street when out of the blue, 6 beautiful women flashed me their breasts all at the same time. Now I know what you’re thinking...
This story sounds kind of ridiculous...
Dozen tit.
The Talking Clock
A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"
Dating a chick with 12 nipples sounds funny...
Dozen tit?
Swinger
I like to tell people my wife was a bit of a swinger back in the day.
Sounds so much better than saying she hung herself.
A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.
They arrived today, safe and sound.
A German couple has a baby...
For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”
My mother has a thick Russian accent...
... and as such it makes some of her words and phrases sound odd.
For instance "want" sounds like "vant."
Or take "talk..." it sounds like "tak"
The best example is when she tries to say "I love you" and it comes out sounding like "you're a fucking disappointment."
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?
Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.
Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.
Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?
Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”
Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:
"Your chest is fucking epic."