When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...
Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...
...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"
She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."
Warning to all men about eBay.
Be careful what you buy on eBay.
If you buy stuff on line, be sure to
check out the seller carefully.
I just spent £95 + postage,
on a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."
I know taking your date to a forest isn't what everyone does...
But I'm into sappy stuff like that.
A father says to his son, "Son, you're adopted."
Son: "What? That's not funny, dad."
Dad: "Yup, pack your stuff, they'll be here in an hour."
Gandhi
Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.
I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m pretty sure Gandhi banged every single one of those chicks.
My three year old daughter asked me, “Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend, so he heads to the bar to drown his sorrows.
He walks up to the bar and the bartender notices hes upset so he asks "why the long face?"
"I just caught my wife having sex with my best friend," says the guy.
To which the bartender replies, "thats terrible! What did you say to your wife when you caught her?"
"I told her to pack her stuff and get out of my house immediately."
"Well what did you say to your best friend," asks the bartender.
"Bad boy"
A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.
The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man
"Where's the good stuff!"
The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."
Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"
The man: "No, that's my neighbors wife, mine's on her way home!"
I have a friend who is sexually attracted to inanimate objects.
I don't see him much though. He always has stuff to do.