Suicide jokes

Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq

.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

Suicide Bomber

They said, "If you blow up the building, you'll get 72 virgins when you go to heaven!" I said, "How about I just vandalize it for 5 sluts right now?"

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide

He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

"So did you hear Bruce Willis passed away?"

"Really? How?"

"Suicide. Overdosed on Viagra and Cialis."

"That's terrible!"

"Well, he always wanted to Die Hard."

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, 'cause I'm still here.

My mom asks me to stop making jokes about suicide. I answer: "Don’t worry...I'll stop soon."

I am a failure to everyone and decided to attempt suicide, guess what? I failed.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work... He's a suicide bomber.

There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off; you won't bring it back!"

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

I don't call it suicide. I call it population control.

Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is the question. The answer is yes.

The more suicidal people there are, the fewer suicidal people there are.

Are you suicide? Because you're always on my mind.

Suicide is wrong, but if you yell "parkour" while jumping off a bridge, it's a failed stunt.